Most of us care far more about other people's opinions than we would like to admit.
We wonder whether we said the right thing. We replay conversations in our heads. We hesitate before making choices because we imagine how others might react. A critical comment can stay with us for days, while ten compliments disappear almost immediately.
The Stoics understood this problem remarkably well.
Nearly two thousand years before social media, online reviews, likes, followers, and constant comparison, philosophers such as Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius were already asking a fundamental question.
How much power should another person's opinion have over your life
Their answer was not that we should become indifferent, arrogant, or insensitive. Stoicism does not teach us to ignore everyone.
Instead, it teaches something much more useful.
Listen to others when there is something to learn — but never hand them control over your sense of worth.
Why We Care So Much About What Others Think
Human beings are social creatures.
For most of human history, belonging to a group was essential for survival. Being accepted mattered. Rejection could have serious consequences.
That instinct has not disappeared.
We still want approval from our family, colleagues, friends, and even complete strangers. The problem begins when approval stops being something we appreciate and becomes something we depend on
Then our behaviour slowly changes.
We say yes when we want to say no.
We avoid expressing an opinion because someone might disagree.
We choose careers, clothes, relationships, lifestyles, and even beliefs partly because we want them to look acceptable to others.
Instead of asking...
What do I believe is the right thing to do?
We begin asking...
What will people think of me?
For the Stoics, this is a dangerous exchange.
We trade something within our control — our judgement and behaviour — for something we can never fully control: the opinion of another person
The Stoic Dichotomy of Control
Epictetus begins his Enchiridion with one of the central principles of Stoicism.
Some things are within our control, while others are not.
Our intentions, choices, judgements, and actions belong largely to us.
Other people's opinions do not.
You can behave respectfully and someone may still dislike you.
You can work hard and someone may still think you are incompetent.
You can make a thoughtful decision and someone may still criticise it.
You can explain yourself perfectly and still be misunderstood.
This is uncomfortable, but also liberating.
Because if another person's opinion is not fully within your control, then making your happiness dependent upon it is an impossible task
You are trying to control something that was never yours to control
The Stoic alternative is simple.
Focus on being worthy of respect rather than trying to make everyone respect you.
Those are two very different goals.
Reputation Is Not Character
One of the most important Stoic distinctions is the difference between who you are and what people think you are.
Reputation belongs to the second category.
You can be honest and still be called dishonest.
You can be generous and still be accused of selfishness.
You can be competent and still be underestimated.
Likewise, someone can have an excellent reputation while behaving badly.
Reputation is therefore an unreliable measure of character.
Marcus Aurelius repeatedly reminded himself that praise does not change the nature of the thing being praised.
A beautiful object does not become more beautiful because someone applauds it.
A good action does not become better because people notice it.
The same applies to character.
If you act with courage, wisdom, justice, and self-control, the value of your action does not depend on whether other people celebrate it.
The Stoic question is therefore not...
Did people approve of what I did?
It is:
Was what I did good?
You Cannot Control the Story Others Tell About You.
This may be one of the hardest truths to accept.
Every person you meet carries a different version of you in their mind.
To one person you may be kind.
To another, distant.
Someone may think you are confident.
Someone else may think you are arrogant.
One colleague may admire your directness, while another finds it uncomfortable.
You cannot manage all of these versions.
And trying to do so is exhausting.
You would constantly have to adjust yourself depending on the person standing in front of you.
The Stoic response is not to control the story...
It is to control the source.
Your behaviour
Your intentions
Your character
Let others interpret these things as they will.
Caring Less Does Not Mean Caring About Nothing.
This is where Stoicism is often misunderstood.
A Stoic does not say:
I don't care what anyone thinks...
That attitude can easily become arrogance.
Other people can see things we cannot see ourselves. Criticism can reveal blind spots. Advice can make us wiser.
The Stoic approach is more precise.
When someone criticises you, ask:
Is it true?
If it is true, you have been given useful information.
There is something you can improve?
If it is false, then becoming angry does not make much sense either...
You cannot improve yourself by fighting every incorrect opinion.
This creates a powerful mental filter.
Instead of immediately defending yourself, ask:
Is there truth in this?
Is there something useful I can learn?
Is this person's judgement informed and relevant?
What part of this situation is actually within my control?
This transforms criticism from a threat into information?
The Hidden Cost of Seeking Approval
Approval feels good.
That is precisely why it can become dangerous.
If your mood depends heavily on praise, you become vulnerable to criticism.
If being admired makes you feel valuable, being ignored may make you feel worthless.
The two sides belong together.
You cannot become addicted to applause without becoming afraid of silence.
This is why the Stoics were suspicious of fame and reputation.
Not because recognition is inherently bad, but because depending on it makes your peace of mind fragile.
Imagine that your happiness is controlled by a dial.
If you hand that dial to other people, they can turn it up with praise and down with criticism.
Stoicism asks you to take the dial back.
Social Media Makes an Ancient Problem Stronger.
The Stoics never had Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, or X.
But they would immediately recognise the psychological mechanism behind them.
Social media makes other people's judgement visible and measurable.
Likes
Followers
Views
Comments
Shares
Suddenly approval has numbers attached to it.
The danger is subtle.
You may begin making decisions not because something is meaningful, but because it is shareable.
You may compare your ordinary life with someone else's carefully selected highlights.
You may even begin watching yourself from the outside.
Instead of experiencing a moment, part of your mind asks:
How will this look to other people?
Stoicism offers an antidote.
Return your attention to the quality of the experience itself.
Did you enjoy the walk?
Was the conversation meaningful?
Did you do your work well?
Were you present with the people around you?
Not everything valuable needs an audience.
Marcus Aurelius and the Short Memory of the Crowd
Marcus Aurelius was emperor of Rome.
Few people in history had more reason to care about reputation.
Yet in his private writings, he repeatedly reminded himself how quickly fame disappears.
The people who praise you will eventually die.
So will the people who remember them.
And eventually, you too will be forgotten.
At first this may sound depressing.
The Stoics intended the opposite.
It is liberating...
If almost everyone will eventually be forgotten, why spend so much of your brief life worrying about how you appear in the minds of others.
You might as well spend that energy becoming the kind of person you believe you should be.
A Useful Stoic Exercise: The Imaginary Audience
Many of our fears are based on an imaginary audience.
We imagine people observing us far more closely than they actually are.
Before doing something, we think:
What will they say?
Will they think this is strange?
Will they judge me?
But most people are busy thinking about themselves...
A useful exercise is therefore to ask:
If nobody ever knew about this decision, what would I choose?
If nobody could praise you...
If nobody could criticise you...
If there were no social media posts...
No status...
No reputation...
What would still seem worth doing?
The answer often reveals what you actually value.
Another Exercise: Separate Feedback From Identity
Suppose someone tells you:
“You handled that badly.
There are two ways to interpret this:
The first is...
I handled that badly, therefore I am inadequate.
The second is...
Perhaps I handled that situation badly. What can I learn from it?
The Stoic chooses the second.
An action can be criticised without turning that criticism into a judgement about your entire identity.
This makes improvement much easier.
When criticism is no longer an attack on your worth, you become more capable of listening to it.
Choose Whose Opinions Matter.
You do not need to value every opinion equally.
Imagine receiving criticism about your health from a stranger with no medical knowledge.
Would you give it the same weight as advice from a trusted doctor?
Probably not.
Yet socially, we often do something similar.
We allow random comments, acquaintances, online strangers, and people whose judgement we do not respect to influence our mood.
A Stoic would ask:
Is this a person whose character and judgement I admire?
If not, why give their opinion so much authority.
Choose a small group of people whose honesty and wisdom you trust.
Listen carefully to them.
Treat the rest as information rather than verdicts.
The Goal Is Not Confidence
Interestingly, the final goal is not simply to become more confident.
Confidence can still depend on believing that others will admire you.
Stoic freedom goes deeper.
It means becoming willing to act well even when you may look foolish.
To speak honestly even when your opinion is unpopular.
To admit mistakes without protecting your image.
To begin something even when you might fail publicly.
To live according to your principles without needing constant confirmation from an audience.
That requires something stronger than confidence.
It requires character.
A Simple Stoic Practice for Everyday Life
The next time you notice yourself worrying about what someone thinks of you, pause and ask four questions
1. Is their opinion within my control
No.
2. Is my behaviour within my control
Usually, yes.
3. Is there something useful I can learn from their reaction
If so, learn it...
4. If I acted according to my values, do I really need their approval
Probably not.
You may still feel uncomfortable.
Stoicism does not promise that uncomfortable emotions disappear instantly.
It offers something more realistic
A way to stop obeying them.
Final Thought
You will never reach a point where nobody judges you.
No matter how carefully you live, someone will misunderstand you, disagree with you, or simply dislike you.
Trying to prevent that is a losing game...
The Stoic alternative is far more peaceful.
Be willing to listen.
Be willing to learn
Be willing to change when criticism is justified.
But do not confuse another person's opinion with the truth about who you are.
Your task is not to control what people think...
Your task is to control what you give them to think about!
Live with courage.
Act with fairness.
Use good judgement.
Practice self-control.
And let reputation take care of itself.
Because in the end, the most important question is not:
What did people think of me?
It is...
Did I become the person I believed I should be?
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